from the end of august through the first week of october i made “nice.” against my better judgment, supportive spouse’s preference, and bestie’s suggestion, i kept my “obligations” and finished three more events with “scorpion.”
from brags “scorpion” shared about “destroying” friends who “wronged her” and coworkers who “were out to get her” and people she just “didn’t like” or thought were “fun targets,” i knew that disconnecting would bring me damage and potential losses. i predicted it.
i suffered.
this year, before the season began, i read all i could about “no contact” with a narcissist. i steeled myself. i read more. i faltered. i feared. then, i finally put my foot down and informed “scorpion” that i want no contact from her. no more riding. no more events. nothing. i’m finished.
first, she raged. i ignored her. then, she pretended to be concerned about my health and my well-being. i ignored her. then, she raged again. more ignoring. then, she sent a list of demands, and pointed out all that she was a deserving, good person.
i blocked her. phone. email. online. everything.
based on what i read about narcissists, i expected her to contact people i knew. i expected her to spin stories, try to make herself out to be a victim, and make me out to be a crazy person. it’s called a “smear campaign.” what i didn’t expect was that anyone with whom i built relationships would bite and believe her. i didn’t expect any of them to contact me on her behalf, vouching for her and admonishing me to consider her hurt, to apologize and make nice.
one-by-one… half-a-dozen people “fell.” the most hurtful was “bridgestone tom.”
he approached me with the sentiment that i offer “scorpion” “christian forgiveness.” we went back and forth a bit about his belief that “giving in to difficult people” is a strength and not a flaw, how capitulating to someone like “scorpion” wasn’t a bad thing, and then we parted. i thought we’d talk later, that i’d see him to ride later, that there **would be** a “later.”
it’s been two weeks, and i’ve not heard from “bridgestone.” even sending him general messages, there’s no response. i do know, from another cyclist and from posts on the club website, that he’s riding with “scorpion.”
so it goes.
now… on to the “growth moment.”
i’ve gone out about three? maybe four times? on my own. the first time was months before all this went down. possibly before the end of last season or before the opening of this season. i can’t immediately remember. but, i do remember that i felt stoked to have a “big girl” experience. the second time, i ran into club members who didn’t know anything about the “scorpion” skirmish, and we rode half my route together. it was nice. the third time, i went out and felt tense, somewhat fearful, and unfocused. i came home disheartened. since our return from seattle, i’ve been out just five times in the last 14-days. barring weather, this is an appalling season opening.
i have to find my mojo.
i have to find a new normal.
i really need road time.
i can’t say, though, how relieved i feel to NOT have “scorpion” in my life anymore. i hadn’t realized how mentally exhausted i felt after contact with her, how physically draining it was to be on “high alert” around her, how emotionally destructive it was to take all of her abuses, or how “spiritually” degrading it was to endure as many boundary violations as i allowed. until supportive spouse and i went through receipts for taxes… neither of us fully realized the magnitude of “scorpion’s” financial parasitism.
meanwhile, i am thankful for “buster’s mom,” the only club cyclist who didn’t fall for “scorpion’s” act or buy into her “smear campaign.” i’m also thankful for “hill killer kathleen” (a non-club social connection and gifted cyclist) who didn’t entertain “scorpion” for even a second. i’m also thankful for my supportive, non-cycling connections: “rzesy,” “georgia raine,” “connecticut cara,” “quebec ginette,” “laura’s mom,” “craft tom,” “poncho,” “bird joe” and “tiny tina,” “preacher scott,” “willard’s dad” and “krolu’s mom.”
what i **should** be doing… is expressing thankfulness for the people i do know and do have in my life.
still…
i have to find my mojo.
i have to find a new normal.
i really need road time.
weronika* /vəˈrɒnɨkə/ 